The rain.

I am in a lot of pain right now. Both physically and emotionally. Tuesday night, I took the medication to speed up the miscarriage. The contractions I felt were extremely painful. I don't want to go into much detail but it was like labor without anything to take away the pain, and the bleeding was very heavy.. I passed tissue-like things that I have never seen before. I expected to see the baby but I never saw anything that resembled it. It led me to doubt if it really happened or not. I was in severe pain for about 12 hours. From 4pm to 4am. I even took a Percocet I had left over from my TAC surgery at one point, but after the bleeding had slowed down some I was afraid it was interfering with the process so I didn't take another one. I regretted that. It was a horrible, devastating, exhausting night.

I went back in to see my OB the next morning for an ultrasound to make sure all had passed. She said she no longer saw a gestational sac. My bleeding had slowed to a normal period like flow, and the cramping was very light and minimal. I sat there numb while she started talking about investigating my health more for the next pregnancy. She mentioned chromosome testing, some other things and this and that. I didn't really listen. I am too defeated right now to even think about trying again.

We left. Feeling numb, but restless, my husband and I went to Lowes and spent $185 on paint and paint supplies for four rooms in the house. I didn't even ask how much it was per gallon. I just pointed to the swatches and watched the guy mix them. That is so unlike me. I'm a bargain hunter and I hate spending money. But there we were, dropping almost $200 just like that.

We came home and painted my art studio. Listened to angry metal music. Talked. I almost started feeling normal. Every once in awhile, I would catch myself forgetting for one second and then I would remember that no, I'm not pregnant anymore. 

This morning, at around 2am, the cramping intensified again. The bleeding picked up. I felt like I was having contractions all over again. There was so much pain and pressure on top of my cervix, my back and even my butt...confused, I thought this was all over with? My husband had to go back to work this morning, I took another Percocet and called my OBs office. She said this is all normal but if I developed a fever or filled a pad in an hour to call back. And to alternate Percocet with 800 mg ibprofen.

I feel like the Percocet is just now kicking in and I took it almost three hours ago. Weird. I will spend today in a medicated haze....