Remembering who I was and accepting who I might be today.

I am sitting here on my couch, looking right at a picture of my husband and I on our honeymoon. The ocean is in the background and we are smiling, our foreheads pressed together. We are both wearing aviator sunglasses. My hair is long and blonde, my husband's is short and buzzed. There is a feeling of a brand new beginning, the starting line of a new life together, a new adventure. We had the most carefree ten days of our lives in Siesta Key Beach that September almost four years ago. It feels like a decade ago. 

Little did we know all of the heart break we were about to encounter as we took that next step almost a year later when we decided to start a family. What seems inevitable, what seems natural, what seems to be the logical next step suddenly became the most trying period of our lives. You meet, you fall in love, you marry, and you start a family. You have all these great expectations, these goals you have set for yourself since you were a little girl. It is just what people do. Women have babies every day. It is life.

And life has sucked the wind right out of my sails. It has deflated me, sunk me down into the depths of a future unknown. I don't like uncertainty. I like to be in control of things, of situations. I was always like that, but now it's worse. When you have been put in so many situations to where you literally have no control, it makes you crave it. You need it. And without it, you feel anxious, afraid, uncertain. 

We have decided to take a break from trying to conceive. I need to find myself again. It has been nonstop since we got married and I am afraid we are going to forget who we are as a married couple. We have spent our marriage in and out of doctors offices, hospital rooms, ultrasound scans, loss, surgeries, bed rest, no sex and loss. Loss. Loss and more loss. When you put all of these events in focus, other things slide out of view. Doing fun things together, going on vacations, laughing, having a good time, having sex for fun instead of just when I'm ovulating (or not having sex at all because I was on pelvic rest). Spending quality time together, exploring new places, going on adventures, just loving one another. Just being happy. Oh, to be happy. 

I am still looking at this photo of us and I think that was the last time we were actually happy. Before everything started. Before we were exposed to the harsh realities of life, to how cruel it can be, how unfair.

Meanwhile, all of our friends are either having babies or have started to have them. And here we are, stuck in this vicious cycle of ups and downs. Of being pregnant and losing the baby. It's so easy for all of them. But it is so sad when the first thing I think of when a friend announces her pregnancy, is, I hope the baby makes it. Because honestly, who thinks otherwise? It is common assumption that your positive pregnancy test means in nine months you will have a healthy, screaming, wiggling baby in your arms. Nobody dares to think that they may have to bring their child home in an urn. They just don't. It happens to other people, but never them. I used to think that, too. 

I am glad my husband is on the same boat as me. He is just as exhausted. So we have decided to go back to the same place we stayed for our honeymoon in September. We are going to fill up our summer with concerts, festivals, and weekend trips. We are going to grill out and drink beer, enjoy each others company and just be us, together. I started working out again last week (which in turn, my body aches disappeared). I am doing yoga again and jogging. I am nowhere near where I used to be stamina and strength-wise, but I know I'll get there. I want to lose 5 pounds and tone up before the beach. This is a pleasant distraction for me. I can control how much I run, how many reps I do, and I can push myself to actually do something that produces good results. And it is healthy! It will hopefully help me figure out who I am now... Because I know I am not the same woman I used to be.