Distractions.

I have been off work all week. I took a week of bereavement. Most of my coworkers did not even know I was pregnant. I only told a few people, mostly women I am close with. I told a select random people here and there only if I had to, say lift something really heavy or do something I wasn't comfortable with. Either they will find out by gossip or I'll have to have that awkward conversation where they ask how far along I am or how I am feeling. Then I will have to tell them that I lost another baby. And I'll have to hear their lame appology, like it's their fault or something.

Yesterday I spent the entire day in a Percocet haze. It makes me really drowsy, so I had an excuse to just lay on the couch all day. My husband went back to work. Today, I am not feeling as crampy. I decided to redye my hair since I had crazy roots. I considered doing yoga for a moment but then decided I better wait a few days to make sure my body is done with the intense cramping and bleeding. I feel lost. Numb. Purposeless. I sat in my dark bedroom while my I waited for my hair dye to set in. An intense thunderstorm blew by.

And the world just keeps going while I lay in suspended motion.

I wonder what people are thinking about me. My sad, pathetic, tragic life. Filled with loss, disapointment and devastation. Why did she try again? Why did she think it would be diferent this time? Does she enjoy torturing herself? Is she really that naive?

My body is a death trap. I can create the life, but I can't sustain it. It's such a fucking joke. Fill me up with hope only to watch me crash down into the depths of depression and failure once again. It's like anything I touch, turns to shit.

I look at my husband and wonder why he's still here. He could leave me and marry somebody else, somebody whose body isn't defective. Someone who can give him a family. Someone who won't fill his life up with loss and sadness. Someone who could make him happy. And I tell him this, and he just tells me that he loves me and will never leave me. He doesn't want anyone else. It must be hard to keep loving me through all of this shit, but he never leaves.

Tuesday, while everything was starting to happen, I couldn't bare to walk by the room that should be our baby's nursery. It has been sitting empty with random collected baby items for three years now, since all of this started. It also held Harper and Eli's urns. Everytime I walked by, it reminded me of all we've lost. All we should have. This is a four bedroom house, it is not small, but it might as well be empty. I told him to move the guest bed in that room. To rearrange it. To pack up all of the baby things and get them out of my sight. I threw all of my maternity clothes into the hall. He packed it all up and put it somewhere, in the basement I'm guessing.

I am done for awhile. A very long time. I know he is feeling the same way. We are exhausted. We haven't even been married for four years yet and we have endured the loss of three babies. That's insane. How the hell does that even happen? It's crazy. I just need to get everything out of my sight for a long time. I can't do this anymore. There is only so much I can take.