No.

There are many times in life in where we hear or see the word "no". No smoking. No littering. No vacancy. No time. No outlet. No entry. No heartbeat.

Sunday afternoon, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped, there was the faintest amount of pink on the toilet paper. Immediately, I freaked out and called my husband. He came home from work and we drove down to the hospital. I had a sinking feeling that something wasn't right. We went to L&D and they sent us down to the ER, where we waited for almost two hours just to be put in a room. They tried three different traveling ultrasound machines. They all showed the baby, but there was no heartbeat. They told me it could be the machine and wanted me to get a higher level ultrasound done the next morning. We left after almost four hours of being there only to come back the next day to hear the same verdict. That was it. The heartbeat we saw just three weeks ago was no longer beating. And nobody can tell me why because it happened so early on. I keep being told it was something wrong with the development of the baby, but I keep feeling like I did something to cause this.

The bleeding hasn't progressed much, so I went back to my OB this morning to get a medicine that should progress things. I don't think I can mentally or physically go through a surgical procedure again and have a D&C. I am just not strong enough to handle it. I am waiting for the contractions to start and the bleeding to progress. I hope it doesn't take long. I am emotionally drained. I am a zombie.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. This was supposed to be my miracle. My rainbow. This baby was supposed to bring us happiness, to fill that dark scary space that has taken over my heart. I thought to myself, this is it. We solved the problem with my cervix. I'm out of the woods. And here I am, right back where I started. I can't help but think I jinxed it somehow. By being happy. By trying to be unafraid. I even started taking pictures of my belly. Ironically, I took one on Sunday. 

But when I think about it, I think I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel sick. I had very little symptoms. We had those issues with the hcg early on. I kept telling myself, don't tell anyone yet. Don't announce it on Facebook. I was holding back. I think I knew. And that's what terrifies me. How can I be so fucking naive? Why did I think, that for one time in my life, things would go my way? Things would be easy? Why did I allow myself to think that I could be happy?

I am in a very dark, scary place right now. The amount of anger I feel is not even measurable. I don't think there is a god. I questioned it before with my losses but now, I just can't believe. There is no good reason for any of this to happen to me or to anyone. There is no good fucking reason. Ad if anyone tries to give me one, I will punch them in the jaw.