Pretending.

Since last Friday, I noticed body aches. Fearing infection, I took my temperature all weekend and called my OB on Monday, which also happened to be my birthday. They wanted to see me, to rescan me and make sure nothing was left behind. She saw no signs of infection but had me do some blood work just in case. I got the results yesterday and there is no sign of anything being wrong, no infection, no imbalance of anything... Nothing. But my body hurts so badly. Like when you are getting the flu and you feel little stabby sensations all over your body. And I'm so tired. It's an effort to even type this on my ipad. I am a google addict and decided to search "grief and body aches". Apparently feeling physical body aches and pains is a sign of grief. But can also be a sign of depression. So I'm not sure if I am normal or not... I don't remember feeling this way with grief before but I guess it can differ.

I pretended Sunday was not Mother's Day and stayed home from any family get togethers. I didn't even see my mom, who I am not on good terms with anyway. I wanted to block it out. Monday was my birthday and my first day back to work. I took a half day to see my doctor. It was sort of odd because not a lot of coworkers knew about the pregnancy so everyone just thought I was gone for a week. Expect for my close pals and my manager. So I had to pretend that everything was normal. I think that in itself is exhausting. I go through my day like everything is fine but I'm really in this suffocating fog in which I cannot see the other side. I'm literally going through the motions. I get home from work and I literally feel like I have run a marathon. Everything hurts. Everything is weak. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I did not expect grief to cover me like a thick blanket like it has. I want to get out of it but I just can't. I can't see that other side.