Remembering who I was and accepting who I might be today.

I am sitting here on my couch, looking right at a picture of my husband and I on our honeymoon. The ocean is in the background and we are smiling, our foreheads pressed together. We are both wearing aviator sunglasses. My hair is long and blonde, my husband's is short and buzzed. There is a feeling of a brand new beginning, the starting line of a new life together, a new adventure. We had the most carefree ten days of our lives in Siesta Key Beach that September almost four years ago. It feels like a decade ago. 

Little did we know all of the heart break we were about to encounter as we took that next step almost a year later when we decided to start a family. What seems inevitable, what seems natural, what seems to be the logical next step suddenly became the most trying period of our lives. You meet, you fall in love, you marry, and you start a family. You have all these great expectations, these goals you have set for yourself since you were a little girl. It is just what people do. Women have babies every day. It is life.

And life has sucked the wind right out of my sails. It has deflated me, sunk me down into the depths of a future unknown. I don't like uncertainty. I like to be in control of things, of situations. I was always like that, but now it's worse. When you have been put in so many situations to where you literally have no control, it makes you crave it. You need it. And without it, you feel anxious, afraid, uncertain. 

We have decided to take a break from trying to conceive. I need to find myself again. It has been nonstop since we got married and I am afraid we are going to forget who we are as a married couple. We have spent our marriage in and out of doctors offices, hospital rooms, ultrasound scans, loss, surgeries, bed rest, no sex and loss. Loss. Loss and more loss. When you put all of these events in focus, other things slide out of view. Doing fun things together, going on vacations, laughing, having a good time, having sex for fun instead of just when I'm ovulating (or not having sex at all because I was on pelvic rest). Spending quality time together, exploring new places, going on adventures, just loving one another. Just being happy. Oh, to be happy. 

I am still looking at this photo of us and I think that was the last time we were actually happy. Before everything started. Before we were exposed to the harsh realities of life, to how cruel it can be, how unfair.

Meanwhile, all of our friends are either having babies or have started to have them. And here we are, stuck in this vicious cycle of ups and downs. Of being pregnant and losing the baby. It's so easy for all of them. But it is so sad when the first thing I think of when a friend announces her pregnancy, is, I hope the baby makes it. Because honestly, who thinks otherwise? It is common assumption that your positive pregnancy test means in nine months you will have a healthy, screaming, wiggling baby in your arms. Nobody dares to think that they may have to bring their child home in an urn. They just don't. It happens to other people, but never them. I used to think that, too. 

I am glad my husband is on the same boat as me. He is just as exhausted. So we have decided to go back to the same place we stayed for our honeymoon in September. We are going to fill up our summer with concerts, festivals, and weekend trips. We are going to grill out and drink beer, enjoy each others company and just be us, together. I started working out again last week (which in turn, my body aches disappeared). I am doing yoga again and jogging. I am nowhere near where I used to be stamina and strength-wise, but I know I'll get there. I want to lose 5 pounds and tone up before the beach. This is a pleasant distraction for me. I can control how much I run, how many reps I do, and I can push myself to actually do something that produces good results. And it is healthy! It will hopefully help me figure out who I am now... Because I know I am not the same woman I used to be.

Pretending.

Since last Friday, I noticed body aches. Fearing infection, I took my temperature all weekend and called my OB on Monday, which also happened to be my birthday. They wanted to see me, to rescan me and make sure nothing was left behind. She saw no signs of infection but had me do some blood work just in case. I got the results yesterday and there is no sign of anything being wrong, no infection, no imbalance of anything... Nothing. But my body hurts so badly. Like when you are getting the flu and you feel little stabby sensations all over your body. And I'm so tired. It's an effort to even type this on my ipad. I am a google addict and decided to search "grief and body aches". Apparently feeling physical body aches and pains is a sign of grief. But can also be a sign of depression. So I'm not sure if I am normal or not... I don't remember feeling this way with grief before but I guess it can differ.

I pretended Sunday was not Mother's Day and stayed home from any family get togethers. I didn't even see my mom, who I am not on good terms with anyway. I wanted to block it out. Monday was my birthday and my first day back to work. I took a half day to see my doctor. It was sort of odd because not a lot of coworkers knew about the pregnancy so everyone just thought I was gone for a week. Expect for my close pals and my manager. So I had to pretend that everything was normal. I think that in itself is exhausting. I go through my day like everything is fine but I'm really in this suffocating fog in which I cannot see the other side. I'm literally going through the motions. I get home from work and I literally feel like I have run a marathon. Everything hurts. Everything is weak. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I did not expect grief to cover me like a thick blanket like it has. I want to get out of it but I just can't. I can't see that other side.

Distractions.

I have been off work all week. I took a week of bereavement. Most of my coworkers did not even know I was pregnant. I only told a few people, mostly women I am close with. I told a select random people here and there only if I had to, say lift something really heavy or do something I wasn't comfortable with. Either they will find out by gossip or I'll have to have that awkward conversation where they ask how far along I am or how I am feeling. Then I will have to tell them that I lost another baby. And I'll have to hear their lame appology, like it's their fault or something.

Yesterday I spent the entire day in a Percocet haze. It makes me really drowsy, so I had an excuse to just lay on the couch all day. My husband went back to work. Today, I am not feeling as crampy. I decided to redye my hair since I had crazy roots. I considered doing yoga for a moment but then decided I better wait a few days to make sure my body is done with the intense cramping and bleeding. I feel lost. Numb. Purposeless. I sat in my dark bedroom while my I waited for my hair dye to set in. An intense thunderstorm blew by.

And the world just keeps going while I lay in suspended motion.

I wonder what people are thinking about me. My sad, pathetic, tragic life. Filled with loss, disapointment and devastation. Why did she try again? Why did she think it would be diferent this time? Does she enjoy torturing herself? Is she really that naive?

My body is a death trap. I can create the life, but I can't sustain it. It's such a fucking joke. Fill me up with hope only to watch me crash down into the depths of depression and failure once again. It's like anything I touch, turns to shit.

I look at my husband and wonder why he's still here. He could leave me and marry somebody else, somebody whose body isn't defective. Someone who can give him a family. Someone who won't fill his life up with loss and sadness. Someone who could make him happy. And I tell him this, and he just tells me that he loves me and will never leave me. He doesn't want anyone else. It must be hard to keep loving me through all of this shit, but he never leaves.

Tuesday, while everything was starting to happen, I couldn't bare to walk by the room that should be our baby's nursery. It has been sitting empty with random collected baby items for three years now, since all of this started. It also held Harper and Eli's urns. Everytime I walked by, it reminded me of all we've lost. All we should have. This is a four bedroom house, it is not small, but it might as well be empty. I told him to move the guest bed in that room. To rearrange it. To pack up all of the baby things and get them out of my sight. I threw all of my maternity clothes into the hall. He packed it all up and put it somewhere, in the basement I'm guessing.

I am done for awhile. A very long time. I know he is feeling the same way. We are exhausted. We haven't even been married for four years yet and we have endured the loss of three babies. That's insane. How the hell does that even happen? It's crazy. I just need to get everything out of my sight for a long time. I can't do this anymore. There is only so much I can take.

The rain.

I am in a lot of pain right now. Both physically and emotionally. Tuesday night, I took the medication to speed up the miscarriage. The contractions I felt were extremely painful. I don't want to go into much detail but it was like labor without anything to take away the pain, and the bleeding was very heavy.. I passed tissue-like things that I have never seen before. I expected to see the baby but I never saw anything that resembled it. It led me to doubt if it really happened or not. I was in severe pain for about 12 hours. From 4pm to 4am. I even took a Percocet I had left over from my TAC surgery at one point, but after the bleeding had slowed down some I was afraid it was interfering with the process so I didn't take another one. I regretted that. It was a horrible, devastating, exhausting night.

I went back in to see my OB the next morning for an ultrasound to make sure all had passed. She said she no longer saw a gestational sac. My bleeding had slowed to a normal period like flow, and the cramping was very light and minimal. I sat there numb while she started talking about investigating my health more for the next pregnancy. She mentioned chromosome testing, some other things and this and that. I didn't really listen. I am too defeated right now to even think about trying again.

We left. Feeling numb, but restless, my husband and I went to Lowes and spent $185 on paint and paint supplies for four rooms in the house. I didn't even ask how much it was per gallon. I just pointed to the swatches and watched the guy mix them. That is so unlike me. I'm a bargain hunter and I hate spending money. But there we were, dropping almost $200 just like that.

We came home and painted my art studio. Listened to angry metal music. Talked. I almost started feeling normal. Every once in awhile, I would catch myself forgetting for one second and then I would remember that no, I'm not pregnant anymore. 

This morning, at around 2am, the cramping intensified again. The bleeding picked up. I felt like I was having contractions all over again. There was so much pain and pressure on top of my cervix, my back and even my butt...confused, I thought this was all over with? My husband had to go back to work this morning, I took another Percocet and called my OBs office. She said this is all normal but if I developed a fever or filled a pad in an hour to call back. And to alternate Percocet with 800 mg ibprofen.

I feel like the Percocet is just now kicking in and I took it almost three hours ago. Weird. I will spend today in a medicated haze....

No.

There are many times in life in where we hear or see the word "no". No smoking. No littering. No vacancy. No time. No outlet. No entry. No heartbeat.

Sunday afternoon, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped, there was the faintest amount of pink on the toilet paper. Immediately, I freaked out and called my husband. He came home from work and we drove down to the hospital. I had a sinking feeling that something wasn't right. We went to L&D and they sent us down to the ER, where we waited for almost two hours just to be put in a room. They tried three different traveling ultrasound machines. They all showed the baby, but there was no heartbeat. They told me it could be the machine and wanted me to get a higher level ultrasound done the next morning. We left after almost four hours of being there only to come back the next day to hear the same verdict. That was it. The heartbeat we saw just three weeks ago was no longer beating. And nobody can tell me why because it happened so early on. I keep being told it was something wrong with the development of the baby, but I keep feeling like I did something to cause this.

The bleeding hasn't progressed much, so I went back to my OB this morning to get a medicine that should progress things. I don't think I can mentally or physically go through a surgical procedure again and have a D&C. I am just not strong enough to handle it. I am waiting for the contractions to start and the bleeding to progress. I hope it doesn't take long. I am emotionally drained. I am a zombie.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. This was supposed to be my miracle. My rainbow. This baby was supposed to bring us happiness, to fill that dark scary space that has taken over my heart. I thought to myself, this is it. We solved the problem with my cervix. I'm out of the woods. And here I am, right back where I started. I can't help but think I jinxed it somehow. By being happy. By trying to be unafraid. I even started taking pictures of my belly. Ironically, I took one on Sunday. 

But when I think about it, I think I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel sick. I had very little symptoms. We had those issues with the hcg early on. I kept telling myself, don't tell anyone yet. Don't announce it on Facebook. I was holding back. I think I knew. And that's what terrifies me. How can I be so fucking naive? Why did I think, that for one time in my life, things would go my way? Things would be easy? Why did I allow myself to think that I could be happy?

I am in a very dark, scary place right now. The amount of anger I feel is not even measurable. I don't think there is a god. I questioned it before with my losses but now, I just can't believe. There is no good reason for any of this to happen to me or to anyone. There is no good fucking reason. Ad if anyone tries to give me one, I will punch them in the jaw.

Feeling great, but cautiously.

So, I am 9 weeks along today. I have not had much of anything that resembles morning sickness. I have had a few moments of, okay my stomach feels a little weird, but nothing to where I am like, oh my god get me to a toilet right now. I feel fine. It's freaking me out. Is it weird to say that I almost want to feel sick just so I can be reassured that everything is fine?! Yes, it is weird. I am a total freak.

I have had a few dizzy spells, I am exhausted, and certain things just don't sound good to me. Like fish and broccoli and sometimes the smell of ketchup grosses me out. My boobs feel bigger. And my stomach is like one big mess! It's like, am I showing already or is that just bloat? I am a tiny woman at only 4'9 and normally around 108-110 lbs. My pants are way tight and I will admit, I have been wearing belly bands and maternity jeans occasionally already. I have heard you show quicker with each pregnancy, but wow. Forget about trying to hide it at work! Even though I don't work with customers anymore, I still have to wear the stupid uniform and it is not very forgiving. Vertical stripes on yellow in a spandex type material. It is not hot. I look like I've been letting myself go! Haha everyone probably thinks I'm getting fat because it doesn't quite look round yet. It's just kind of like a blob. I haven't exactly gone completely public yet with the news. I want to wait until after my next appointment on the 14th. I will be a few days past ten weeks then. Our families know and close friends, and my boss and assorted coworkers. It is getting hard to hide. But trust me, I am not complaining! When I get that big, huge round belly, I'm going to flaunt it. I will be so proud of that bump.

I think I have become addicted to ultrasounds. It's been three weeks since that last one and I am dying to get another one just for reassurance. To know everything is fine. If I could just throw up once, even... I keep telling myself that with Harper, it wasn't that bad. I only threw up a handful of times and felt sick when my stomach was empty. With Eli, I was hardly sick at all. But I felt funky sometimes. Maybe this baby is taking it easy on me? I just wish I didn't worry so much. I wish I didn't have to worry so much, really. It's putting me on edge, but I am trying my best to stay in good spirits.

Can someone just knock me out until I reach 24 weeks? That would be fabulous, thanks!