Good news in my life always comes with some sort of consequence. There is never ever any "true" good news. There is always something lurking in the shadows, ready to spring up on me like a lion on a gazelle.
Last Saturday, March 23rd, I decided to go ahead and pee on a stick. I had a weird feeling, but oddly enough I wasn't stressing over it like I was last month. I knew my cycles were now out of whack due to surgery and I was coming to terms with it. After three minutes of waiting, I made my husband look at the results. He said, "pregnant!" And I almost didn't believe him. I looked for myself. Yep, digitally it said, PREGNANT on the screen. It felt unreal.
We had a family event going on that day. My cousin has muscular dystrophy and every year we do the MDA Muscle Walk. I text my sister and told her the news and one of my closest friends. I also posted the news on the TAC Facebook page I am a member of. But now I had to keep it quiet and not tell my family, since I just found out. We had an after party at our house afterwards and my cousins and aunt pointed out to me that I wasn't drinking. I told them the news but quietly. I am still cautious.
So Monday, I called my OB to set up an appointment for confirmation. Originally, the only open date was April 11th. According to my lmp, she had me at 5 weeks and some days and by then I'd be 7 weeks and some days. Me, not being satisfied with waiting that long, decided to call back a few days later to see if there was any way I could get in sooner. So, I went in yesterday. After peeing in a cup, my husband and I sat in the examination room, nervous. The nurse comes in and says, "congrats! You must be super early, your line was really faint." Whoa, there lady. My line was faint? Don't tell me this. So then, I started freaking out. My OB came in and said she was wary about doing an ultrasound this early but we could if we wanted to. I said, yes, let's do it. I'm thinking its going to ease my nerves. Lo and behold, there's not anything to see on the screen, except my "thickening uterine lining", which is a good sign. She went on to say that she thinks I'm earlier than predicted. Especially if I think I ovulated late, which could put me at only 4 weeks. Then we wouldn't be able to see anything on the screen. But still, I panicked. She sent me down to the lab for blood work to get an hcg reading.
She called me back today and said my number is only 279, which seems low but would line up in theory with a later ovulation. So, I have to go down to the hospital tomorrow morning to have more blood drawn and to see if my numbers have doubled. If they doubled, I should not have any worries. If they don't double, the pregnancy might not be progressing like it should.
This is not what I wanted to hear, especially this early on in the pregnancy. I didn't expect to have to worry so soon. With both of my losses, the worrying only began later around 16 weeks. I never had my hcg levels taken and nobody ever commented on how positive my test line was or not. I think this may have been the earliest ultrasound I've ever had, though. But let me tell you what, when I didn't see anything on that screen, my heart sank. It was not what I wanted to see.
Everything is probably fine, but how many times have I heard that phrase before? And how many times did it prove untrue? It just never ends. I am starting to wonder if I was truly ready to try again. I am a nervous wreck. I told myself that I would think positively this next time around. That is becoming harder and harder each day. I am not the blissfully unaware pregnant woman who sees the positive test and 9 months later, she has a baby in her arms. No, I am the heartbroken, paranoid, bereaved mother who never got to meet her daughter or son because they were born too soon. I am forever changed. Pregnancy is a scary, life altering event in my world. And it totally turns everything upside down and shakes it up quite a bit. Everything is uncertain, every morning I wake up wondering if everything is okay. Wondering if it will be okay. I live cautiously.
I hope my levels have doubled by tomorrow. If not, I don't know what I'll do. I am not sure I can handle another loss, so soon, or ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment