Waiting patiently.

I haven't had the time to update since my last post. So let's do that.

Well, I got my blood drawn for a second time about two weeks ago and my levels rose appropriately. I was a nervous wreck. I just had a follow up appointment with my OB two days ago. She had the opportunity to talk to Dr. Haney about my TAC surgery and said she took a ton of notes, and feels completely comfortable with me as her patient, so that is a relief. So, the next step is an ultrasound Monday to hopefully get a better idea of how far along I am. Right now, it's a mystery. If I had to guess, based on my ovulation day, I am 6 weeks and some days. But the ultrasound will be able to show more, because by then maybe I'll be 7. I just hate not knowing! With my last pregnancies, they just went off my last period. Confusing. I am nervous that there won't be anything to see on the ultrasound. Ugh. I haven't had any bleeding or spotting. I have weird crampy sensations every once in awhile, though, but I think I remember having this early before as well. I haven't been sick yet, but I am really exhausted. My husband keeps telling me to relax, but it's very hard. I won't relax until we are past viability.

I have a difficult situation coming up. My sister's friend, who also happens to be my friend, is having a baby girl in July. She decided on naming her Harper. Which just so happens to be the name of my daughter, my first loss. She invited me to her baby shower in two weeks. I really don't think that I can go. I never got to have a baby shower for Harper. It will just be hard seeing her name everywhere. I can't help but feel like she stole her from me. I know that sounds ridiculous but what can I say. I should've had a daughter named Harper. I should've had a baby shower for her. If my daughter had lived, would she had named her daughter the same? Or maybe not because someone she knew had already chosen the name? I am not going to go, I just don't know how to explain it to her.

I wish things were easier.