Tonight I will be lighting candles in memory of our daughter Harper, our son Eli, and our little bean whose heart stopped beating at only 8 weeks this past May. I can't help but think about all we have been through (big surprise there) and feel complete sadness over all that we have lost, and all that we should have known. I should be pregnant now, in fact. I would have been about eight months pregnant and almost ready to deliver. I could be in such a different situation right now. But no, instead I sit here thinking about all that we have lost. All that we have been through, and I can't help but feel total disbelief. When did this become my life? This life of loss, grief, sadness, madness, trauma? When did this become my new normal? How did I even get here? I know I can't turn back and I can't go back into time and put the TAC in place that very first loss, but damnit, I would if I could. But I can't. And it is utterly frustrating.
My therapist told me last week that I am very angry. I guess she is right, I am. I am mad at the world, at its cruel circle of life, how life and death can just happen. How life can be created and then ripped right from you, for no damn good reason. There is no reason my babies had to die. I don't care what anyone says. I've heard, "God has grander plans" or "God needed more angles." Really? God decided to give me a child and then take it away? Why didn't he just keep them in the first place and spare us all this pain? I don't know. I just don't know.
Some people don't even know I was pregnant this past March. Most people have no clue. They don't understand what each day is like for me. Dragging myself out of bed. Going to work and "being normal" when inside I just went to die.
I miss you all so much.
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