Wow, so two years. How does two years feel like forever ago but just like yesterday all at the same time? So much has happened in just two years and I feel very old. I can't help but have flash backs of that day two years ago. The painful contractions as they induced me into labor with pictocin. How I lay there completely tormented and confused, sad and angry and helpless. The infection and fever I had. Not wanting to believe my daughter had died before she was even given a chance at life, before she even took a breath of air, and how I couldn't help but feel completely and totally responsible because it was my body that had failed.
It is tradition that we let go balloons on our babies birthdays. Today, the weather matches my mood perfectly. Gray, cold, rainy... I only hope it stops raining so we can let Harper's pink balloon into the sky. I wrote a message to her, hoping somewhere out there she will read it. But I have so much to say to the little one I never met. Who should be sitting on this couch with me, a year and a half old. Who should be cuddling up next to me, who I should be singing sweet lullabies to at night. But no. Instead her soul floats along somewhere out there, with Eli and the other little one we lost this year. I can only hope that she somehow feels the love I have for her, I hope she knows how much I miss her and want her here on earth.
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