Make it better.

So, last week, I saw a physical therapist for pelvic floor dysfunction. Basically, my urologist felt around and determined that my pelvic floor muscles were in a spasm and I needed therapy to fix it. Which could be the culprit of all of my discomfort and issues the past couple of months.

What a great experience! This therapist was super sweet and gentle and understanding. I am so glad I was referred to her. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I described how I had been feeling and she listened to my entire story and history and then she had me lie on the table. She moved my legs around, tested my resistance, and felt the muscles around my hips. Then she did an internal exam and said, "oh yes, you are completely in a spasm! All of your muscles are completely tightened!" And she was finding trigger points... Basically spots of muscle that are so tight and worked up that they form little nodules. And, on top of this, I have a muscle that is constantly twitching! Like an eye twitch. And now (like right now actually) when I'm sitting I can actually feel it twitching. It is the weirdest sensation, even though it's barely there. So, she gave me some simple yoga-based exercises to do twice a day and I have to see her once a week for three months. I think we may be doing some internal massage this week, so I'm kinda wondering what that will entail but I can already feel a difference, I believe. But how crazy is that... To have your entire pelvic floor constantly flexed and not even be aware of it! But it is a result if all if the trauma I have experienced in the past few years. And stress and PTSD doesn't help it either.  

So here I am, trying to be brave again. Trying to trust a doctor (well, therapist really so maybe she doesn't count?) and hoping this fixes me. I haven't given up hope on TTC entirely but I must be able to comfortably be able to have sex again for that to even be an option, right? I see my other therapist tomorrow, too. I think talking to her has helped a lot, too. I'm trying to get me in a better place, physically and emotionally. It's been hard, and Harper's 2nd birthday is coming up on the 24th. I took the day off work because I know it will be pointless for me to try to work that day. My husband and I will get a balloon and we will write a message to her and set it into the sky. I can't believe it's only been two years... It feels like ages ago, when this journey began. 

I feel so old.