Why can't anything in my life be easy?

Good news in my life always comes with some sort of consequence. There is never ever any "true" good news. There is always something lurking in the shadows, ready to spring up on me like a lion on a gazelle.

Last Saturday, March 23rd, I decided to go ahead and pee on a stick. I had a weird feeling, but oddly enough I wasn't stressing over it like I was last month. I knew my cycles were now out of whack due to surgery and I was coming to terms with it. After three minutes of waiting, I made my husband look at the results. He said, "pregnant!" And I almost didn't believe him. I looked for myself. Yep, digitally it said, PREGNANT on the screen. It felt unreal.

We had a family event going on that day. My cousin has muscular dystrophy and every year we do the MDA Muscle Walk. I text my sister and told her the news and one of my closest friends. I also posted the news on the TAC Facebook page I am a member of. But now I had to keep it quiet and not tell my family, since I just found out. We had an after party at our house afterwards and my cousins and aunt pointed out to me that I wasn't drinking. I told them the news but quietly. I am still cautious.

So Monday, I called my OB to set up an appointment for confirmation. Originally, the only open date was April 11th. According to my lmp, she had me at 5 weeks and some days and by then I'd be 7 weeks and some days. Me, not being satisfied with waiting that long, decided to call back a few days later to see if there was any way I could get in sooner. So, I went in yesterday. After peeing in a cup, my husband and I sat in the examination room, nervous. The nurse comes in and says, "congrats! You must be super early, your line was really faint." Whoa, there lady. My line was faint? Don't tell me this. So then, I started freaking out. My OB came in and said she was wary about doing an ultrasound this early but we could if we wanted to. I said, yes, let's do it. I'm thinking its going to ease my nerves. Lo and behold, there's not anything to see on the screen, except my "thickening uterine lining", which is a good sign. She went on to say that she thinks I'm earlier than predicted. Especially if I think I ovulated late, which could put me at only 4 weeks. Then we wouldn't be able to see anything on the screen. But still, I panicked. She sent me down to the lab for blood work to get an hcg reading.

She called me back today and said my number is only 279, which seems low but would line up in theory with a later ovulation. So, I have to go down to the hospital tomorrow morning to have more blood drawn and to see if my numbers have doubled. If they doubled, I should not have any worries. If they don't double, the pregnancy might not be progressing like it should.

This is not what I wanted to hear, especially this early on in the pregnancy. I didn't expect to have to worry so soon. With both of my losses, the worrying only began later around 16 weeks. I never had my hcg levels taken and nobody ever commented on how positive my test line was or not. I think this may have been the earliest ultrasound I've ever had, though. But let me tell you what, when I didn't see anything on that screen, my heart sank. It was not what I wanted to see.

Everything is probably fine, but how many times have I heard that phrase before? And how many times did it prove untrue? It just never ends. I am starting to wonder if I was truly ready to try again. I am a nervous wreck. I told myself that I would think positively this next time around. That is becoming harder and harder each day. I am not the blissfully unaware pregnant woman who sees the positive test and 9 months later, she has a baby in her arms. No, I am the heartbroken, paranoid, bereaved mother who never got to meet her daughter or son because they were born too soon. I am forever changed. Pregnancy is a scary, life altering event in my world. And it totally turns everything upside down and shakes it up quite a bit. Everything is uncertain, every morning I wake up wondering if everything is okay. Wondering if it will be okay. I live cautiously.

I hope my levels have doubled by tomorrow. If not, I don't know what I'll do. I am not sure I can handle another loss, so soon, or ever.

my body, my enemy.

So, the hubby and I are trying for another baby. I already have major anxiety just thinking about it. And that's legit. My doctor put me on Klonopin and Celexa awhile back for my symptoms. I get periods of shortness of breath, chest pains, and just overall panicky and racing thoughts. I have stopped taking those meds though, since we are trying to conceive. So now I get to just try to deal with it all on my own. Lately,  I've been having huge bouts of breathlessness and it's driving me crazy. I wish I could just breathe.

I have been very confused by my body, lately. I have started temping for the first time, but I think I have been doing it wrong. I know that sounds kind of lame, but I didn't buy my basal thermometer in time to start temping right after my period. So, I started a few days late. And I haven't been consistent with the time I take my temperature either. My car died, meaning I have to bum rides off my husband in the morning and coworkers in the afternoon, so my waking times have been all screwed up. Not to mention, the OPK pack I bought tells me to use FMU, when everything else online says not to. I also started doing that too late, as well I think. So, I am not even sure if I caught my surge. Ugh. I can't tell if the lines are dark enough. Sometimes it shows one, the next day it's gone, then a day later I'll have another line. I just don't know what my body thinks it's doing anymore. I think I am trying to ovulate,  but it's failing. My temps are up, down, up, down, and all over the place. I had one "spike" but it seemed too early in my cycle. I'm so confused. And because of this crazy schedule this past week, hubs and I haven't had much time to actually give it a go. I'm so annoyed. And cranky. I feel like surgery has thrown everything off. Maybe I should just give myself a break. This is only my second cycle after surgery. Maybe things will be clearer next month?

On a happier, non-TTC related note, since the motor in my Hyundai Elentra died, I finally am getting the car I've always wanted! I'm getting a 2013 Mini Cooper. It's coming to the states all the way from England. Wonder if the Queen will drive it in to the dealership for me? Oh, and the hubs got a promotion a work! So, that's all good stuff. Maybe 2013 will be our year?

I'm trying to keep the good vibes going but these past two weeks have just been insanity stress-wise. Work, car issues, schedules all wacky, husband working later nights...Even if I didn't ovulate this month, at least I'll have a reason why. I am starting to feel like it's me against my uterus. I need to get her on the same page as the rest of my body! I guess this two week wait won't be too agonizing because I'm not sure we accomplished anything.

We shall see..

Talking about it.

Monday I had an appointment with my optometrist. The last time I saw him, I was pregnant. A little part of me wondered if he would remember, and if he would ask. Of course, when he walked into the room, the first thing he says to me is, "how is the little one doing?" And then it's awkward because I have to say we lost the baby and he says how sorry he is. He doesn't really ask what happened but I can tell he kind of wants to know why...and I start explaining what happened, that I have IC and that I just traveled to Chicago and back in January to get the TAC done. And it was okay. He was interested in TAC and while I explained it, he genuinely listened. He asked how I was feeling and I said pretty damn good, considering I had surgery not too long ago. Then he tells me that he just had surgery, too. He donated a kidney to his wife! It was kind of nice to have a normal conversation about IC and my losses. Granted, I do not enjoy talking about it, don't get me wrong. But it was the simple fact that I could talk about it without crying or being awkward.

I still dread that question, though. When I went to the dentist a month ago, I went to make an appointment for my husband with the receptionist afterward, and she assumed he was my son. She said, "how old is your son?" I was confused and it was an unexpected question, and I said awkwardly, "oh, we lost the baby." Then she felt all sorry and awkward too... I just hate how such a simple, normal question to most people can mean something else entirely to me.

So, today officially starts my "fertile week". I started temping in the mornings...I have never done this before but I did not realize how low my resting temp was! It has been in the 97's. so strange. And I am going to use OPKs. I want a better idea of when I am ovulating so that the two week wait is a little less uncertain. But I know it will be, it always is.

I hope I am ready for this.