And then it hits me.

How is it that I can be perfectly fine one moment, and the next I'm falling to pieces? I will just be sitting there, watching something on tv, listening to music or somebody talking, and there it is. That overwhelming, smothering grief that literally takes the breath out of my chest. Something will trigger it and then I'm a crying mess. It's frustrating and exhausting.

For example, there is absolutely nothing on tv right now. I could knit, but I am just sitting here with my iPad with the tv on in the background. Long Island Medium is on. I never have really paid much attention to this show. The woman on it seems kind of out there and I don't normally watch those kind of shows. But I decided to pay attention to it for some reason and my mind starts making associations. It's when she says she senses these people's loved ones around them. And I get to thinking... Are my babies here with me? Do they sit next to me or follow me through the house? Do they long for my hugs like I long for theirs? Do they watch me cry over them and do they cry for what could have been, too? It's just crazy to think about it. My babies existed. They were alive for only a little while, but they lived. They had souls. But is it weird of me to think about this? I sometimes feel like I am just out of reach of them, like if only I could stretch my arms out just a little farther, that I could hold them.

There is one thing I regret with my entire heart. I never held Harper or Eli after they were born. Both were born sleeping after traumatic deliveries. I was so stricken with anger, fear, complete and total crippling sadness that I could just not bare to see them passed on. I think in my mind, I thought that if I didn't see them, their deaths didn't happen. I could hold onto their memories as they were...their little kicks against my belly, my cravings that I had a with both of them, their ultrasound pictures of their perfect little bodies...I just couldn't accept that they were gone. And now I regret it. I will never know what their sweet little faces looked like. I will never know my own children. But I still have them in my heart. I hope that they knew that, if they could. That I love them with all of my heart and if I were emotionally capable, I would have held them close. I am so angry at myself for this. It's something I'll never get another chance to do.

I am a crying mess as I write this. But I think I need to do this more often. I have a tendency to be tough...to be a survivor and move forward. Which is not a bad thing, do not get me wrong. But I need to allow myself these feelings. Even if it is emotionally draining.

Now that I have my TAC in place, my husband and I are going to start trying again. I hope I am emotionally ready for this. I know that I did the right thing having the surgery done, but I will need a lot of courage and strength to get through this. I can do it. I am doing it for Harper and Eli.