No.

There are many times in life in where we hear or see the word "no". No smoking. No littering. No vacancy. No time. No outlet. No entry. No heartbeat.

Sunday afternoon, I went to the bathroom and when I wiped, there was the faintest amount of pink on the toilet paper. Immediately, I freaked out and called my husband. He came home from work and we drove down to the hospital. I had a sinking feeling that something wasn't right. We went to L&D and they sent us down to the ER, where we waited for almost two hours just to be put in a room. They tried three different traveling ultrasound machines. They all showed the baby, but there was no heartbeat. They told me it could be the machine and wanted me to get a higher level ultrasound done the next morning. We left after almost four hours of being there only to come back the next day to hear the same verdict. That was it. The heartbeat we saw just three weeks ago was no longer beating. And nobody can tell me why because it happened so early on. I keep being told it was something wrong with the development of the baby, but I keep feeling like I did something to cause this.

The bleeding hasn't progressed much, so I went back to my OB this morning to get a medicine that should progress things. I don't think I can mentally or physically go through a surgical procedure again and have a D&C. I am just not strong enough to handle it. I am waiting for the contractions to start and the bleeding to progress. I hope it doesn't take long. I am emotionally drained. I am a zombie.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. This was supposed to be my miracle. My rainbow. This baby was supposed to bring us happiness, to fill that dark scary space that has taken over my heart. I thought to myself, this is it. We solved the problem with my cervix. I'm out of the woods. And here I am, right back where I started. I can't help but think I jinxed it somehow. By being happy. By trying to be unafraid. I even started taking pictures of my belly. Ironically, I took one on Sunday. 

But when I think about it, I think I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel sick. I had very little symptoms. We had those issues with the hcg early on. I kept telling myself, don't tell anyone yet. Don't announce it on Facebook. I was holding back. I think I knew. And that's what terrifies me. How can I be so fucking naive? Why did I think, that for one time in my life, things would go my way? Things would be easy? Why did I allow myself to think that I could be happy?

I am in a very dark, scary place right now. The amount of anger I feel is not even measurable. I don't think there is a god. I questioned it before with my losses but now, I just can't believe. There is no good reason for any of this to happen to me or to anyone. There is no good fucking reason. Ad if anyone tries to give me one, I will punch them in the jaw.

Feeling great, but cautiously.

So, I am 9 weeks along today. I have not had much of anything that resembles morning sickness. I have had a few moments of, okay my stomach feels a little weird, but nothing to where I am like, oh my god get me to a toilet right now. I feel fine. It's freaking me out. Is it weird to say that I almost want to feel sick just so I can be reassured that everything is fine?! Yes, it is weird. I am a total freak.

I have had a few dizzy spells, I am exhausted, and certain things just don't sound good to me. Like fish and broccoli and sometimes the smell of ketchup grosses me out. My boobs feel bigger. And my stomach is like one big mess! It's like, am I showing already or is that just bloat? I am a tiny woman at only 4'9 and normally around 108-110 lbs. My pants are way tight and I will admit, I have been wearing belly bands and maternity jeans occasionally already. I have heard you show quicker with each pregnancy, but wow. Forget about trying to hide it at work! Even though I don't work with customers anymore, I still have to wear the stupid uniform and it is not very forgiving. Vertical stripes on yellow in a spandex type material. It is not hot. I look like I've been letting myself go! Haha everyone probably thinks I'm getting fat because it doesn't quite look round yet. It's just kind of like a blob. I haven't exactly gone completely public yet with the news. I want to wait until after my next appointment on the 14th. I will be a few days past ten weeks then. Our families know and close friends, and my boss and assorted coworkers. It is getting hard to hide. But trust me, I am not complaining! When I get that big, huge round belly, I'm going to flaunt it. I will be so proud of that bump.

I think I have become addicted to ultrasounds. It's been three weeks since that last one and I am dying to get another one just for reassurance. To know everything is fine. If I could just throw up once, even... I keep telling myself that with Harper, it wasn't that bad. I only threw up a handful of times and felt sick when my stomach was empty. With Eli, I was hardly sick at all. But I felt funky sometimes. Maybe this baby is taking it easy on me? I just wish I didn't worry so much. I wish I didn't have to worry so much, really. It's putting me on edge, but I am trying my best to stay in good spirits.

Can someone just knock me out until I reach 24 weeks? That would be fabulous, thanks!

Sweet pea.

I am horrible at updating this blog!

So, Monday I had my second ultrasound. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to chew through my cheek. When I get anxious, I tighten my jaw and I get shivers. I can barely hold a conversation and my mind just races from one thought to the next. I lock up. There are just so many memories associated with getting up on that ultrasound table. From seeing my angel babies Eli and Harper kicking around, looking absolutely perfect to analyzing the low amount of amniotic fluid to trying to figure out if the surgeon had stitched through my bladder during my about-to-fail TVC. To say I may have a bit of PTSD would probably be correct. My mind races and my heart stops until I see the perfect, normal image on the screen.

And that is what we saw. A perfectly round little yolk sac with our little baby in the middle. The little flickering of the heart beat. We were even able to see a bit of the TAC in place, although the scan wasn't done transvaginally so we couldn't see too much of it. The ultrasound tech measured everything and they estimated me at 6 weeks, 2 days. The size of a sweet pea. So, I was right. I ovulated late and I found out I was pregnant at just three weeks! No wonder my OB didn't see anything on that first ultrasound, I was only four weeks along at that time. So, all of that worry and fuss was for nothing.

I hit viability on August 24. This is going to be a very long summer. I don't know how the hell I am going to stay sane. Especially around 20 weeks, when I lost Harper and Eli both. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I want to shout it from the roof tops but at the same time, I am cautious. I told myself and my husband that I would celebrate this pregnancy and not live it in fear, but it is so very hard to do. I feel like there is all of this pressure on me now to bring home a full term baby. I went all the way to Chicago for a surgery that is supposed to "fix" my incompetent cervix. That was my problem, now it is fixed. It should be a breeze, right? Well, you can fix the body but it is very hard to fix the mind. I keep having these doubting thoughts but I try to push them out with positive ones. Totally easier said than done. I don't want to fail again. I don't want to hurt again. I don't want to hurt my husband, our family and friends...I don't think I can do it.

I keep the image of me with a huge, pregnant belly in my mind. Then I visualize our beautiful baby in my arms. I repeat to myself through out the day, "you will bring home a full term baby" whenever my negative thoughts try to invade. I am sort of a believer that negative thoughts harvest negative results. So I am trying to be positive, reaffirming and light.

I will bring home a full term baby this December. I will. :)

Waiting patiently.

I haven't had the time to update since my last post. So let's do that.

Well, I got my blood drawn for a second time about two weeks ago and my levels rose appropriately. I was a nervous wreck. I just had a follow up appointment with my OB two days ago. She had the opportunity to talk to Dr. Haney about my TAC surgery and said she took a ton of notes, and feels completely comfortable with me as her patient, so that is a relief. So, the next step is an ultrasound Monday to hopefully get a better idea of how far along I am. Right now, it's a mystery. If I had to guess, based on my ovulation day, I am 6 weeks and some days. But the ultrasound will be able to show more, because by then maybe I'll be 7. I just hate not knowing! With my last pregnancies, they just went off my last period. Confusing. I am nervous that there won't be anything to see on the ultrasound. Ugh. I haven't had any bleeding or spotting. I have weird crampy sensations every once in awhile, though, but I think I remember having this early before as well. I haven't been sick yet, but I am really exhausted. My husband keeps telling me to relax, but it's very hard. I won't relax until we are past viability.

I have a difficult situation coming up. My sister's friend, who also happens to be my friend, is having a baby girl in July. She decided on naming her Harper. Which just so happens to be the name of my daughter, my first loss. She invited me to her baby shower in two weeks. I really don't think that I can go. I never got to have a baby shower for Harper. It will just be hard seeing her name everywhere. I can't help but feel like she stole her from me. I know that sounds ridiculous but what can I say. I should've had a daughter named Harper. I should've had a baby shower for her. If my daughter had lived, would she had named her daughter the same? Or maybe not because someone she knew had already chosen the name? I am not going to go, I just don't know how to explain it to her.

I wish things were easier.

Why can't anything in my life be easy?

Good news in my life always comes with some sort of consequence. There is never ever any "true" good news. There is always something lurking in the shadows, ready to spring up on me like a lion on a gazelle.

Last Saturday, March 23rd, I decided to go ahead and pee on a stick. I had a weird feeling, but oddly enough I wasn't stressing over it like I was last month. I knew my cycles were now out of whack due to surgery and I was coming to terms with it. After three minutes of waiting, I made my husband look at the results. He said, "pregnant!" And I almost didn't believe him. I looked for myself. Yep, digitally it said, PREGNANT on the screen. It felt unreal.

We had a family event going on that day. My cousin has muscular dystrophy and every year we do the MDA Muscle Walk. I text my sister and told her the news and one of my closest friends. I also posted the news on the TAC Facebook page I am a member of. But now I had to keep it quiet and not tell my family, since I just found out. We had an after party at our house afterwards and my cousins and aunt pointed out to me that I wasn't drinking. I told them the news but quietly. I am still cautious.

So Monday, I called my OB to set up an appointment for confirmation. Originally, the only open date was April 11th. According to my lmp, she had me at 5 weeks and some days and by then I'd be 7 weeks and some days. Me, not being satisfied with waiting that long, decided to call back a few days later to see if there was any way I could get in sooner. So, I went in yesterday. After peeing in a cup, my husband and I sat in the examination room, nervous. The nurse comes in and says, "congrats! You must be super early, your line was really faint." Whoa, there lady. My line was faint? Don't tell me this. So then, I started freaking out. My OB came in and said she was wary about doing an ultrasound this early but we could if we wanted to. I said, yes, let's do it. I'm thinking its going to ease my nerves. Lo and behold, there's not anything to see on the screen, except my "thickening uterine lining", which is a good sign. She went on to say that she thinks I'm earlier than predicted. Especially if I think I ovulated late, which could put me at only 4 weeks. Then we wouldn't be able to see anything on the screen. But still, I panicked. She sent me down to the lab for blood work to get an hcg reading.

She called me back today and said my number is only 279, which seems low but would line up in theory with a later ovulation. So, I have to go down to the hospital tomorrow morning to have more blood drawn and to see if my numbers have doubled. If they doubled, I should not have any worries. If they don't double, the pregnancy might not be progressing like it should.

This is not what I wanted to hear, especially this early on in the pregnancy. I didn't expect to have to worry so soon. With both of my losses, the worrying only began later around 16 weeks. I never had my hcg levels taken and nobody ever commented on how positive my test line was or not. I think this may have been the earliest ultrasound I've ever had, though. But let me tell you what, when I didn't see anything on that screen, my heart sank. It was not what I wanted to see.

Everything is probably fine, but how many times have I heard that phrase before? And how many times did it prove untrue? It just never ends. I am starting to wonder if I was truly ready to try again. I am a nervous wreck. I told myself that I would think positively this next time around. That is becoming harder and harder each day. I am not the blissfully unaware pregnant woman who sees the positive test and 9 months later, she has a baby in her arms. No, I am the heartbroken, paranoid, bereaved mother who never got to meet her daughter or son because they were born too soon. I am forever changed. Pregnancy is a scary, life altering event in my world. And it totally turns everything upside down and shakes it up quite a bit. Everything is uncertain, every morning I wake up wondering if everything is okay. Wondering if it will be okay. I live cautiously.

I hope my levels have doubled by tomorrow. If not, I don't know what I'll do. I am not sure I can handle another loss, so soon, or ever.

my body, my enemy.

So, the hubby and I are trying for another baby. I already have major anxiety just thinking about it. And that's legit. My doctor put me on Klonopin and Celexa awhile back for my symptoms. I get periods of shortness of breath, chest pains, and just overall panicky and racing thoughts. I have stopped taking those meds though, since we are trying to conceive. So now I get to just try to deal with it all on my own. Lately,  I've been having huge bouts of breathlessness and it's driving me crazy. I wish I could just breathe.

I have been very confused by my body, lately. I have started temping for the first time, but I think I have been doing it wrong. I know that sounds kind of lame, but I didn't buy my basal thermometer in time to start temping right after my period. So, I started a few days late. And I haven't been consistent with the time I take my temperature either. My car died, meaning I have to bum rides off my husband in the morning and coworkers in the afternoon, so my waking times have been all screwed up. Not to mention, the OPK pack I bought tells me to use FMU, when everything else online says not to. I also started doing that too late, as well I think. So, I am not even sure if I caught my surge. Ugh. I can't tell if the lines are dark enough. Sometimes it shows one, the next day it's gone, then a day later I'll have another line. I just don't know what my body thinks it's doing anymore. I think I am trying to ovulate,  but it's failing. My temps are up, down, up, down, and all over the place. I had one "spike" but it seemed too early in my cycle. I'm so confused. And because of this crazy schedule this past week, hubs and I haven't had much time to actually give it a go. I'm so annoyed. And cranky. I feel like surgery has thrown everything off. Maybe I should just give myself a break. This is only my second cycle after surgery. Maybe things will be clearer next month?

On a happier, non-TTC related note, since the motor in my Hyundai Elentra died, I finally am getting the car I've always wanted! I'm getting a 2013 Mini Cooper. It's coming to the states all the way from England. Wonder if the Queen will drive it in to the dealership for me? Oh, and the hubs got a promotion a work! So, that's all good stuff. Maybe 2013 will be our year?

I'm trying to keep the good vibes going but these past two weeks have just been insanity stress-wise. Work, car issues, schedules all wacky, husband working later nights...Even if I didn't ovulate this month, at least I'll have a reason why. I am starting to feel like it's me against my uterus. I need to get her on the same page as the rest of my body! I guess this two week wait won't be too agonizing because I'm not sure we accomplished anything.

We shall see..

Talking about it.

Monday I had an appointment with my optometrist. The last time I saw him, I was pregnant. A little part of me wondered if he would remember, and if he would ask. Of course, when he walked into the room, the first thing he says to me is, "how is the little one doing?" And then it's awkward because I have to say we lost the baby and he says how sorry he is. He doesn't really ask what happened but I can tell he kind of wants to know why...and I start explaining what happened, that I have IC and that I just traveled to Chicago and back in January to get the TAC done. And it was okay. He was interested in TAC and while I explained it, he genuinely listened. He asked how I was feeling and I said pretty damn good, considering I had surgery not too long ago. Then he tells me that he just had surgery, too. He donated a kidney to his wife! It was kind of nice to have a normal conversation about IC and my losses. Granted, I do not enjoy talking about it, don't get me wrong. But it was the simple fact that I could talk about it without crying or being awkward.

I still dread that question, though. When I went to the dentist a month ago, I went to make an appointment for my husband with the receptionist afterward, and she assumed he was my son. She said, "how old is your son?" I was confused and it was an unexpected question, and I said awkwardly, "oh, we lost the baby." Then she felt all sorry and awkward too... I just hate how such a simple, normal question to most people can mean something else entirely to me.

So, today officially starts my "fertile week". I started temping in the mornings...I have never done this before but I did not realize how low my resting temp was! It has been in the 97's. so strange. And I am going to use OPKs. I want a better idea of when I am ovulating so that the two week wait is a little less uncertain. But I know it will be, it always is.

I hope I am ready for this.