Sweet pea.

I am horrible at updating this blog!

So, Monday I had my second ultrasound. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to chew through my cheek. When I get anxious, I tighten my jaw and I get shivers. I can barely hold a conversation and my mind just races from one thought to the next. I lock up. There are just so many memories associated with getting up on that ultrasound table. From seeing my angel babies Eli and Harper kicking around, looking absolutely perfect to analyzing the low amount of amniotic fluid to trying to figure out if the surgeon had stitched through my bladder during my about-to-fail TVC. To say I may have a bit of PTSD would probably be correct. My mind races and my heart stops until I see the perfect, normal image on the screen.

And that is what we saw. A perfectly round little yolk sac with our little baby in the middle. The little flickering of the heart beat. We were even able to see a bit of the TAC in place, although the scan wasn't done transvaginally so we couldn't see too much of it. The ultrasound tech measured everything and they estimated me at 6 weeks, 2 days. The size of a sweet pea. So, I was right. I ovulated late and I found out I was pregnant at just three weeks! No wonder my OB didn't see anything on that first ultrasound, I was only four weeks along at that time. So, all of that worry and fuss was for nothing.

I hit viability on August 24. This is going to be a very long summer. I don't know how the hell I am going to stay sane. Especially around 20 weeks, when I lost Harper and Eli both. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I want to shout it from the roof tops but at the same time, I am cautious. I told myself and my husband that I would celebrate this pregnancy and not live it in fear, but it is so very hard to do. I feel like there is all of this pressure on me now to bring home a full term baby. I went all the way to Chicago for a surgery that is supposed to "fix" my incompetent cervix. That was my problem, now it is fixed. It should be a breeze, right? Well, you can fix the body but it is very hard to fix the mind. I keep having these doubting thoughts but I try to push them out with positive ones. Totally easier said than done. I don't want to fail again. I don't want to hurt again. I don't want to hurt my husband, our family and friends...I don't think I can do it.

I keep the image of me with a huge, pregnant belly in my mind. Then I visualize our beautiful baby in my arms. I repeat to myself through out the day, "you will bring home a full term baby" whenever my negative thoughts try to invade. I am sort of a believer that negative thoughts harvest negative results. So I am trying to be positive, reaffirming and light.

I will bring home a full term baby this December. I will. :)

Waiting patiently.

I haven't had the time to update since my last post. So let's do that.

Well, I got my blood drawn for a second time about two weeks ago and my levels rose appropriately. I was a nervous wreck. I just had a follow up appointment with my OB two days ago. She had the opportunity to talk to Dr. Haney about my TAC surgery and said she took a ton of notes, and feels completely comfortable with me as her patient, so that is a relief. So, the next step is an ultrasound Monday to hopefully get a better idea of how far along I am. Right now, it's a mystery. If I had to guess, based on my ovulation day, I am 6 weeks and some days. But the ultrasound will be able to show more, because by then maybe I'll be 7. I just hate not knowing! With my last pregnancies, they just went off my last period. Confusing. I am nervous that there won't be anything to see on the ultrasound. Ugh. I haven't had any bleeding or spotting. I have weird crampy sensations every once in awhile, though, but I think I remember having this early before as well. I haven't been sick yet, but I am really exhausted. My husband keeps telling me to relax, but it's very hard. I won't relax until we are past viability.

I have a difficult situation coming up. My sister's friend, who also happens to be my friend, is having a baby girl in July. She decided on naming her Harper. Which just so happens to be the name of my daughter, my first loss. She invited me to her baby shower in two weeks. I really don't think that I can go. I never got to have a baby shower for Harper. It will just be hard seeing her name everywhere. I can't help but feel like she stole her from me. I know that sounds ridiculous but what can I say. I should've had a daughter named Harper. I should've had a baby shower for her. If my daughter had lived, would she had named her daughter the same? Or maybe not because someone she knew had already chosen the name? I am not going to go, I just don't know how to explain it to her.

I wish things were easier.

Why can't anything in my life be easy?

Good news in my life always comes with some sort of consequence. There is never ever any "true" good news. There is always something lurking in the shadows, ready to spring up on me like a lion on a gazelle.

Last Saturday, March 23rd, I decided to go ahead and pee on a stick. I had a weird feeling, but oddly enough I wasn't stressing over it like I was last month. I knew my cycles were now out of whack due to surgery and I was coming to terms with it. After three minutes of waiting, I made my husband look at the results. He said, "pregnant!" And I almost didn't believe him. I looked for myself. Yep, digitally it said, PREGNANT on the screen. It felt unreal.

We had a family event going on that day. My cousin has muscular dystrophy and every year we do the MDA Muscle Walk. I text my sister and told her the news and one of my closest friends. I also posted the news on the TAC Facebook page I am a member of. But now I had to keep it quiet and not tell my family, since I just found out. We had an after party at our house afterwards and my cousins and aunt pointed out to me that I wasn't drinking. I told them the news but quietly. I am still cautious.

So Monday, I called my OB to set up an appointment for confirmation. Originally, the only open date was April 11th. According to my lmp, she had me at 5 weeks and some days and by then I'd be 7 weeks and some days. Me, not being satisfied with waiting that long, decided to call back a few days later to see if there was any way I could get in sooner. So, I went in yesterday. After peeing in a cup, my husband and I sat in the examination room, nervous. The nurse comes in and says, "congrats! You must be super early, your line was really faint." Whoa, there lady. My line was faint? Don't tell me this. So then, I started freaking out. My OB came in and said she was wary about doing an ultrasound this early but we could if we wanted to. I said, yes, let's do it. I'm thinking its going to ease my nerves. Lo and behold, there's not anything to see on the screen, except my "thickening uterine lining", which is a good sign. She went on to say that she thinks I'm earlier than predicted. Especially if I think I ovulated late, which could put me at only 4 weeks. Then we wouldn't be able to see anything on the screen. But still, I panicked. She sent me down to the lab for blood work to get an hcg reading.

She called me back today and said my number is only 279, which seems low but would line up in theory with a later ovulation. So, I have to go down to the hospital tomorrow morning to have more blood drawn and to see if my numbers have doubled. If they doubled, I should not have any worries. If they don't double, the pregnancy might not be progressing like it should.

This is not what I wanted to hear, especially this early on in the pregnancy. I didn't expect to have to worry so soon. With both of my losses, the worrying only began later around 16 weeks. I never had my hcg levels taken and nobody ever commented on how positive my test line was or not. I think this may have been the earliest ultrasound I've ever had, though. But let me tell you what, when I didn't see anything on that screen, my heart sank. It was not what I wanted to see.

Everything is probably fine, but how many times have I heard that phrase before? And how many times did it prove untrue? It just never ends. I am starting to wonder if I was truly ready to try again. I am a nervous wreck. I told myself that I would think positively this next time around. That is becoming harder and harder each day. I am not the blissfully unaware pregnant woman who sees the positive test and 9 months later, she has a baby in her arms. No, I am the heartbroken, paranoid, bereaved mother who never got to meet her daughter or son because they were born too soon. I am forever changed. Pregnancy is a scary, life altering event in my world. And it totally turns everything upside down and shakes it up quite a bit. Everything is uncertain, every morning I wake up wondering if everything is okay. Wondering if it will be okay. I live cautiously.

I hope my levels have doubled by tomorrow. If not, I don't know what I'll do. I am not sure I can handle another loss, so soon, or ever.

Talking about it.

Monday I had an appointment with my optometrist. The last time I saw him, I was pregnant. A little part of me wondered if he would remember, and if he would ask. Of course, when he walked into the room, the first thing he says to me is, "how is the little one doing?" And then it's awkward because I have to say we lost the baby and he says how sorry he is. He doesn't really ask what happened but I can tell he kind of wants to know why...and I start explaining what happened, that I have IC and that I just traveled to Chicago and back in January to get the TAC done. And it was okay. He was interested in TAC and while I explained it, he genuinely listened. He asked how I was feeling and I said pretty damn good, considering I had surgery not too long ago. Then he tells me that he just had surgery, too. He donated a kidney to his wife! It was kind of nice to have a normal conversation about IC and my losses. Granted, I do not enjoy talking about it, don't get me wrong. But it was the simple fact that I could talk about it without crying or being awkward.

I still dread that question, though. When I went to the dentist a month ago, I went to make an appointment for my husband with the receptionist afterward, and she assumed he was my son. She said, "how old is your son?" I was confused and it was an unexpected question, and I said awkwardly, "oh, we lost the baby." Then she felt all sorry and awkward too... I just hate how such a simple, normal question to most people can mean something else entirely to me.

So, today officially starts my "fertile week". I started temping in the mornings...I have never done this before but I did not realize how low my resting temp was! It has been in the 97's. so strange. And I am going to use OPKs. I want a better idea of when I am ovulating so that the two week wait is a little less uncertain. But I know it will be, it always is.

I hope I am ready for this.

And then it hits me.

How is it that I can be perfectly fine one moment, and the next I'm falling to pieces? I will just be sitting there, watching something on tv, listening to music or somebody talking, and there it is. That overwhelming, smothering grief that literally takes the breath out of my chest. Something will trigger it and then I'm a crying mess. It's frustrating and exhausting.

For example, there is absolutely nothing on tv right now. I could knit, but I am just sitting here with my iPad with the tv on in the background. Long Island Medium is on. I never have really paid much attention to this show. The woman on it seems kind of out there and I don't normally watch those kind of shows. But I decided to pay attention to it for some reason and my mind starts making associations. It's when she says she senses these people's loved ones around them. And I get to thinking... Are my babies here with me? Do they sit next to me or follow me through the house? Do they long for my hugs like I long for theirs? Do they watch me cry over them and do they cry for what could have been, too? It's just crazy to think about it. My babies existed. They were alive for only a little while, but they lived. They had souls. But is it weird of me to think about this? I sometimes feel like I am just out of reach of them, like if only I could stretch my arms out just a little farther, that I could hold them.

There is one thing I regret with my entire heart. I never held Harper or Eli after they were born. Both were born sleeping after traumatic deliveries. I was so stricken with anger, fear, complete and total crippling sadness that I could just not bare to see them passed on. I think in my mind, I thought that if I didn't see them, their deaths didn't happen. I could hold onto their memories as they were...their little kicks against my belly, my cravings that I had a with both of them, their ultrasound pictures of their perfect little bodies...I just couldn't accept that they were gone. And now I regret it. I will never know what their sweet little faces looked like. I will never know my own children. But I still have them in my heart. I hope that they knew that, if they could. That I love them with all of my heart and if I were emotionally capable, I would have held them close. I am so angry at myself for this. It's something I'll never get another chance to do.

I am a crying mess as I write this. But I think I need to do this more often. I have a tendency to be tough...to be a survivor and move forward. Which is not a bad thing, do not get me wrong. But I need to allow myself these feelings. Even if it is emotionally draining.

Now that I have my TAC in place, my husband and I are going to start trying again. I hope I am emotionally ready for this. I know that I did the right thing having the surgery done, but I will need a lot of courage and strength to get through this. I can do it. I am doing it for Harper and Eli.