Courage

Oh my, am I a complete mess lately or what? I haven't written in over a month because I have just been, well, how do I say this - driving myself crazy. I am pretty sure PTSD is manifesting its ugly ways not only mentally but physically. I am drained and weepy and I feel like I just need to talk to someone. I am paranoid about everything and anything, especially if it has to do with my body. I am convinced that everything is going to fail or that something is not right - a bit like a hypochondriac. I need to say this all to someone. Someone other than a friend, who has heard it a million times. Someone other than my husband, who is going through it all, too and it isn't fair to put it all on him. Someone other than a family member who doesn't really know what to say back because they just don't relate.

I decided to search for therapists in my area, which proved to be not an easy task. Most are crazy expensive - $100+ per session! I finally found one literally five minutes down the road from my house and called last Friday. I was told I had to fill out an intake form from their website and turn it in and IF (yes, IF!) the doctor decides to take me as a patient, they will call me. I am thinking, what?! I have to be ACCEPTED by a therapist?! Does that sound crazy to anyone else but me? So, lets see...if I am not f*ed up enough for them, then that's that? I wonder how they choose who's crazy enough to quality. Nonetheless, they were the least expensive and the closest to me and I decided to print and fill out their 16 page intake form anyway, but not without a tiny personal protest. I turned it in today after I got off work. It was weird. The receptionist reiterated that I would hear back if I was accepted. It was just strange. I guess when I decided to embark on this quest for help, I didn't think I would have to impress someone with my traumatizing life story. And honestly, for someone to get up the courage to seek out help in the first place, this could be a road block for them. It almost was for me but I sucked it up. I guess we will see if they call me back. If not, then I guess I will search on. I want to choose my therapist, not them choose me. 

In other news... People have been getting on my nerves. The things some people say! I mean, seriously. My husband and I work for the same company. I am an interior designer and he deals with sales support. I guess when we were going through our TAC journey earlier this year, he opened up to a few coworkers on a smoke break about our past and our losses. (He has since then quite smoking, thank goodness!) There is this woman who is kind of blunt, and doesn't really have a social filter. She is nice enough and means well, but its a bit much sometimes. I had never talked to her personally in my life, until one day while I was working a few months back, she asked me if we had tried yet since the TAC. I was taken aback because we had never had a conversation about it before. I asked my husband and he explained that he had been talking to a few people about it because they asked, and I said that was fine. But, it caught me off guard. She was getting way too personal. Well, today, I ran into her in the hall - mind you I never talk to her, not since that day months ago, and she says, in front of other coworkers, "Are you guys trying for a baby yet?" I was so thrown off by it, not expecting it, and I said, "no, we aren't" and walked in the other direction. I mean, seriously?! How rude. She has no idea that yes, we had tried again after TAC and I had an early miscarriage (not cervix related). It took all I had in me not to explode. She has no idea what we are going through, she doesn't know me and damnit, it is none of her business! The freaking nerve. It's like, why does she care so much? I am sorry I don't go around, letting everyone know in the office that we are or aren't TTC. It's not causal conversation you just have, especially with someone you don't even know. I felt violated.

So, that is my rant for the day. Maybe someday I will actually be able to write about something not so hostile. But until then....