Sweet pea.

I am horrible at updating this blog!

So, Monday I had my second ultrasound. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to chew through my cheek. When I get anxious, I tighten my jaw and I get shivers. I can barely hold a conversation and my mind just races from one thought to the next. I lock up. There are just so many memories associated with getting up on that ultrasound table. From seeing my angel babies Eli and Harper kicking around, looking absolutely perfect to analyzing the low amount of amniotic fluid to trying to figure out if the surgeon had stitched through my bladder during my about-to-fail TVC. To say I may have a bit of PTSD would probably be correct. My mind races and my heart stops until I see the perfect, normal image on the screen.

And that is what we saw. A perfectly round little yolk sac with our little baby in the middle. The little flickering of the heart beat. We were even able to see a bit of the TAC in place, although the scan wasn't done transvaginally so we couldn't see too much of it. The ultrasound tech measured everything and they estimated me at 6 weeks, 2 days. The size of a sweet pea. So, I was right. I ovulated late and I found out I was pregnant at just three weeks! No wonder my OB didn't see anything on that first ultrasound, I was only four weeks along at that time. So, all of that worry and fuss was for nothing.

I hit viability on August 24. This is going to be a very long summer. I don't know how the hell I am going to stay sane. Especially around 20 weeks, when I lost Harper and Eli both. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I want to shout it from the roof tops but at the same time, I am cautious. I told myself and my husband that I would celebrate this pregnancy and not live it in fear, but it is so very hard to do. I feel like there is all of this pressure on me now to bring home a full term baby. I went all the way to Chicago for a surgery that is supposed to "fix" my incompetent cervix. That was my problem, now it is fixed. It should be a breeze, right? Well, you can fix the body but it is very hard to fix the mind. I keep having these doubting thoughts but I try to push them out with positive ones. Totally easier said than done. I don't want to fail again. I don't want to hurt again. I don't want to hurt my husband, our family and friends...I don't think I can do it.

I keep the image of me with a huge, pregnant belly in my mind. Then I visualize our beautiful baby in my arms. I repeat to myself through out the day, "you will bring home a full term baby" whenever my negative thoughts try to invade. I am sort of a believer that negative thoughts harvest negative results. So I am trying to be positive, reaffirming and light.

I will bring home a full term baby this December. I will. :)

Waiting patiently.

I haven't had the time to update since my last post. So let's do that.

Well, I got my blood drawn for a second time about two weeks ago and my levels rose appropriately. I was a nervous wreck. I just had a follow up appointment with my OB two days ago. She had the opportunity to talk to Dr. Haney about my TAC surgery and said she took a ton of notes, and feels completely comfortable with me as her patient, so that is a relief. So, the next step is an ultrasound Monday to hopefully get a better idea of how far along I am. Right now, it's a mystery. If I had to guess, based on my ovulation day, I am 6 weeks and some days. But the ultrasound will be able to show more, because by then maybe I'll be 7. I just hate not knowing! With my last pregnancies, they just went off my last period. Confusing. I am nervous that there won't be anything to see on the ultrasound. Ugh. I haven't had any bleeding or spotting. I have weird crampy sensations every once in awhile, though, but I think I remember having this early before as well. I haven't been sick yet, but I am really exhausted. My husband keeps telling me to relax, but it's very hard. I won't relax until we are past viability.

I have a difficult situation coming up. My sister's friend, who also happens to be my friend, is having a baby girl in July. She decided on naming her Harper. Which just so happens to be the name of my daughter, my first loss. She invited me to her baby shower in two weeks. I really don't think that I can go. I never got to have a baby shower for Harper. It will just be hard seeing her name everywhere. I can't help but feel like she stole her from me. I know that sounds ridiculous but what can I say. I should've had a daughter named Harper. I should've had a baby shower for her. If my daughter had lived, would she had named her daughter the same? Or maybe not because someone she knew had already chosen the name? I am not going to go, I just don't know how to explain it to her.

I wish things were easier.